Jokes, quizzes and Brainteasers – Taken from Something to Read While Travelling – THAILAND
Jokes - Not for the easily offended
An old bloke hires a hit-man to kill his wife of 40 years.
The Hitman says. : I’ll shoot her just below her left tit”
The husband replies. “I want her dead not fucking kneecapped.”
I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day and I must say I was really impressed with the result. Those piranhas don’t fuck about.
I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said “it must be stressful for your wife. I said “To be perfectly honest doctor, it’s getting on her tits.”
In1872 the Welsh invented the condom by using a sheep’s intestine. In 1873 the English refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep out first.
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A Chinese fellow walks into a bar with a huge colourful parrot on his shoulder. “Wow”, says the bartender, “where did you get that from?” “From China”, answered the parrot, “they’ve got tons of them there!”
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
General Knowledge quiz
1. What organisation did Robert Baden-Powell found in 1908?
2. What code name was given to Nazi Germany's plan to invade Britain during the Second World War?
3. Who said: 'If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman'?
4. The Intu Metrocentre is a shopping centre in which town?
5. What occupational task is carried out by a sawyer?
6. Who owned the Daily Mirror newspaper between 1984 and 199
7. In the popular children's nursery rhyme what is Wednesday's child full of?
8. Which country only switched to the modern Gregorian Calendar on January 1, 1927?
9. What is the SI unit of luminous intensity?
10. Genuphobia is the fear of what part of the body?
11. What name is given to a cross fruit of tangerines and grapefruits?
12. What do the dots on a pair of dice add up to?
13. How high is a baketball hoop?
14. In photography what does S.L.R stand for?
15. What is the motto of the SAS?
16. Which two countries signed up to the common market in 1973 alongside the U.K?
17. How many years did Nelson Mandela spend in prison?
18. Which star is the nearest to Earth?
19. What is the nearest galaxy to the Solar System?
20. What is the largest bone in the human body?
21. Which nerve forms the link between the eye and the brain?
22. Which country is reputed to have the world's oldest flag design?
23. In which year was the first FA Cup final held at Wembley?
24. What is Agoraphobia the fear of?
25. How many kilograms make up a metric tonne?
26. On what date is U.S Independence day?
27. Who said "I think therefore I am"?
28. In which country was cricketer Ted Dexter born?
29. What was the name of the policeman in Enid Blyton's 'Noddy'?
30. The clavicle is more commonly known as which bone?
31. Which flag is raised when a ship is about to leave port?
32. Who painted the Laughing Cavalier?
33. Who was the father of Ham, Shem and Japheth in the bible?
34. Which country has the longest coastline?
35. Which African country has the shilling as it's currency?
36. Which planet is nearest the sun?
37. What is contained in a dish described as Lyonnaise?
38. What term describes a male swan?
39. Who might make use of a maulstick?
40. What name is given to the Jewish candlestick with special religious meaning?
Thai jokes are numerous with ladyboy’s usually being the brunt. Here are some that I think you will enjoy.
"How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?"
"How do you know her name?"
I’m going to Thailand this year and to make sure I don’t get any "surprises" I'm asking prostitutes to show me their crotch before I take them to my room.-
Last time I nearly ended up sleeping with a woman!
An Irish Catholic boy and a Thai Buddhist boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Buddha." The Buddhist boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
I just got back from holiday in Bangkok where I came very close to sleeping with a ladyboy. She looked like a woman, she walked like a woman, she talked like a woman and she even kissed like a woman! It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed parked her car on the first attempt I thought “hang on…”
Nothing says, "I'm a fat ugly bastard with no personality." quite like having a Thai wife.
I farted in the bath earlier and started laughing to myself.
"What's so funny?" the wife asked.
"Oh nothing, it's just funny when you fart in the bath and the bubbles tickle your bollocks" I explained.
"Oh yeah, that is funny actually" she replied.
And that's when I knew it was time to send it back to Thailand.
My wife was reading the paper and said, "Tut tut, that's terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung."
I replied, "Actually it's 'hanged'. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung."
My Thai wife left me the day after I bought her a new necklace.
I was fuming, fifty fucking quid that thing cost me.
The necklace wasn't cheap, either.
I dumped my Thai wife when she told me her balls had dropped.
How was I to know she had just won the lottery?
I keep making stereotypical jokes about my old man and his new Thai bride. He really doesn’t find it amusing… and neither does my Dad.
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!
Went to the new Thai restaurant in town, and it's really weird - there's condom machines in both toilets.
"Did you have a good holiday Dave?"
"Amazing. Check out these photos of us at the nudist beach."
"I love your Thai girlfriend, she looks tiny next to you."
"Thanks, but to be fair, she had just been swimming."
1. A man and women get married and have a baby boy. A year later they have another baby boy, but the two boys are not brothers. WHY?
2. Tommy's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
7. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
8. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?
9. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you’ll die?
10. Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it. What is it?
11. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
12. There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?
13. What call for help, when written in capital letters, is the same forwards, backwards and upside down?
14. One family wants to get through a tunnel. Dad can make it in 1 minute, mom in 2 minutes, son in 4 and daughter in 5 minutes. No more than 2 persons can go through the tunnel at one time, moving at the speed of the slower one. Can they all make it to the other side if they have a torch that lasts only 12 minutes and they are afraid of the dark?
15. How many of each species did Moses take on the ark with him?
My neighbour just banged on my door shouted
Can I use your phone? there’s been an accident along the road and a Man U fan has been knocked down. He is bleeding to death.
I asked him “ Why ...what’s wrong with your phone?”
He replied “the camera’s shit on mine”
Tommy came home from school looking confused, he sat down next to his father and asked.
“Dad, what’s a Pussy?”
His dad went to the bedroom, bought back a playboy, opened the pages to the centre fold. He then took a marker pen and drew around her minge region.
“There son, that’s a pussy”.
The following day Tommy came home again looking confused and asked.
“Dad, what’s a Cunt”
His father leant forward and said
“Remember yesterday when you came home and asked about a pussy and I drew a circle on that picture.”
“Yes dad” replied Tommy
“Well everything outside that circle is a cunt.”
Intelligence Test (IQ) These are tough
1. 19, 20, 21, ?, ?, 26, 28, 32, 33, 40 Which two numbers should replace the question marks?
2. Which number is the odd one out? 84129, 32418, 47632, 36119, 67626, 72927
3. Identify two words (one from each set of brackets) that form a connection (analogy), thereby relating to the words in capitals in the same way.CAT (lash, parade, feline, whiskers) SLEEP (somnambulate, night, bed, Morpheus)
4. A Z B Y D W G T ? Which two letters come next?
5. How many cases do you need if you have to pack 112 pairs of shoes into cases that each hold 28 shoes?
6. Which two words are most opposite in meaning? acquired, derivative, archetypal, elaborate, enigmatic, spasmodic
7. Select two words that are synonyms, plus an antonym of these two synonyms, from the list of words below. excuse, regulate, bestow, condone, concede, condemn, incarcerate.
8. If 4 apples and 6 bananas cost £1.56 and 9 apples and 7 bananas cost £2.60, what is the cost of one apple and one banana?
9. Starting from North, list the following compass points in the correct order working anti-clockwise. ENE WSW SE SSW WNW NNE SSE ESE
10. What number is, logically, missing from this sequence : 348269, 284315, *****, 8438, 4811, 842, 86
11. ABCDEFGH What letter comes two to the right of the letter which is immediately to the left of the letter that comes three to the right of the letter that comes midway between the letter two to the left of the letter C and the letter immediately to the right of the letter F?
12. Identify two words (one from each set of brackets) that form a connection (analogy), thereby relating to the words in capitals in the same way. - QUIRKY (bizarre, irrational, whimsical, erratic) UNCANNY (singular, eerie, esoteric, amazing)
13. Select two words that are synonyms, plus an antonym of these two synonyms, from the list of words - torment, contain, consider, console, assuage, scheme, fraternize
14. In the two numerical sequences, one number that appears in the top sequence should appear in the bottom sequence and vice versa. Which two numbers should be changed round? 3, 6, 9.5, 14.5, 18, 23 - 5, 10, 13.5, 18.5, 22
15. Which word in brackets is closest in meaning to the word in capitals? CHAGRIN (reprehension, revolution, irritation, bedlam, assault)
More rib ticklers
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the drover offered.
“Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“A couple of minutes ago.”
1 The Boy Scouts 2, Operation Sea Lion 3. Margaret Thatcher 4. Gateshead 5 Saws wood 6 Robert Maxwell 7. Woe 8 Turkey 9. The candela 10. The knees 11. Ugli Fruit 12. 42 13. 10 Feet 14 Single Lens Reflex 15. Who Dares Wins 16 Eire and Denmark 17, 27 Years 18. The Sun 19. Andromeda 20 Femur 21 Optic Nerve 22 Denmark 23 1923 24 Open Spaces 25 1000 26 July 4th 27 Rene Descartes 28 Italy 29 PC Plod 30 collar bone 31 Blue Peter 32 Franz Hals 33 Noah 34 Canada 35 Kenya 36 Mercury 37 Onions 38 Cob 39 Artist 40 Menorah
1. The couple who married are called Mr and Mrs Not, so the boys are Not brothers
3. Mt. Everest...it just wasn’t discovered yet.
4. There is no dirt in a hole.
5. Incorrectly (except when it is spelled incorrecktly).
6. You can’t take a picture with a wooden leg. You need a camera (or iPad or cell phone) to take a picture.
7. You would be in 2nd place. You passed the person in second place, not first.
8. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
10. A coffin.
11. A stamp.
12. A watermelon.
14. First mom and dad – 2 minutes. Dad comes back – 3 minutes, both children go to mom – 8 minutes. Mom comes to dad – 10 minutes and they both get to their children – 12 minutes.
15. None. Moses wasn’t on the ark, Noah was.
Intelligence IQ Test
1. 22 and 24: there are two interwoven sequences. Starting at 19, alternate numbers progress +2, +3, +4, +5. Starting at 20, alternate numbers progress +2, +4, +6, +8.
2. 47632: all the others are three-digit numbers followed by their square root, eg 361 followed by its square root, 19.
3. parade, somnambulate. The keyword to insert is walk: parade on a cat-walk, sleepwalk is to somnambulate.
4. KP: there are two alternate sequences. Starting at A, - ABcDefGhijK; starting at Z, ZYxWvuTsrqP.
5. 112 pairs of shoes = 224 shoes. 224 ÷ 28 = 8.
6. derivative, archetypal
7. Synonyms: excuse, condone - Antonym: condemn
8. 1 apple costs £0.18 and 1 banana costs £0.14.
9. WNW, WSW, SSW, SSE, SE, ESE, ENE, NNE
10. 34826: each number is the sum of the last two digits of the previous number, preceded by the remaining numbers in reverse.
12. whimsical, eerie
13. Synonyms: console, assuage - Antonym: torment
14. 4.5 and 13.5 should be interchanged. The top sequence progresses +3, +3.5, +4, +4.5, +5. The bottom sequence progresses +5, +4.5, +4, +3.5.
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